Live & Learn

Well, it's been awhile since my last post and alot has happen. I switched jobs twice and now have left insurance in the past. I am now working as an admin assist at a boot & hat store and couldn't be happier! Only thing is learning the sales part, cashiering is almost like riding a bike, you never forget however, selling the merch is something that is out of my universe and will have to learn it.

I have learned to never give up on someone until they show you otherwise. I truly believed in my cousin and that he could do better with himself. I believed him when he would sit there with me and we would have talks BUT he showed me otherwise 8 months after moving in on my offer for room and board.

You know it's hard to understand people sometimes and seems like it's harder to understand family at times. But for whatever reason he chose his path and will walk it alone. I'm not going to say I won't be there for him, becuase he's family but there comes a point in life where you just can't help family sometimes because you have to think & take into consideration your own immediate family. I love you Jay and will pray daily for you, for God to keep you from harm and help you wake up.

Ex's & Ex's:
Well, I talked and have been talking to my "husband". Yes after 20+ years I'm still married to the first love of my life but only becuase I've tried to divorce but for some reason I just can't seem to get it finalized. :( He has told me how much he appreciates me for "sacar nuestros hijos adelante" teaching them to hold their own. He has told me how he is regretful for everything, not being there for the boys and especially for me. I just told him that everything happens for reasons, we weren't meant to be is all.

Dancing almost every weekend for the past month, I have runned into Alonso and smile when I see him dancing with someone. I am so happy for him, he still tries to bother me via text but i simply ignore them so the text have become less & less. I loved that man like no other and he truly broke my heart but I'm ok now and hope he finds happiness and love with someone who he deserves and deserves him as well. I can look at him and feel nothing but happy for him being with someone and happy for myself knowing that I'm not hurting any longer.

I have lived and learned these past few months and have learned quite a bit more about myself. I have learned that you can't fix people but you can help them and be there for them when they need somewhere to lean their weary bodies or simply lend them an ear. No matter what I will never give up on Jay or anyone else I may know suffering from addiction. I will try my best not to judge and simply ask "is there anything I can do for you".

I love my family ----NO MATTER WHAT!

To Dialysis or Not

I visited my sister this past weekend and she looked so much better.

Back in 2005 when I walked into my uncle's hospital room I saw my grandfather laying there and not my uncle. My uncle was the spitting image of my grandfather to the T. Last year, several times when I would walk into my mother's hospital room I saw my grandfather at times (she had his nose) and even though I don't remember my grandmother, my mom looked like her at times (I know my grandmother by pics).

This past weekend as I walked into my sister's room, I opened the door slowly and she looked just like my momma. She has my mother's mouth/lips, her hands. She was eating a tamale I had brought her and as she began to wipe her mouth I happen to turn to look at her and exact same movements as my mother.

I have never been told that I look like my mother but alot of people who know me and have met my sisters have always stated that Daniela looks like my mom. :)

My sister told me that the doctor wanted to insert a perm line for dialysis. She says no and wants to leave and see what happens. I asked her if she leaves and finds down the road that she doesn't feel right or something is bothering her, would she hesitate again to be seen? She said no but it wasn't a confidant no.

I feel that we have a second chance with my sister and I intend to make the best of it.

So to my sister I say.......if you feel bad and you mention it to me don't be surprised if I'm trying to drag you out of the house to take you to see the doctor :)

I love you!!!

Like mother like daughter

My sister is in the hospital to have a huge abcess removed. I have been bugging her to go to the ER to have it looked at but just like my mother did when she refused to go get her foot checked out, my sister kept refusing or making faces. Again, I feel a bit of guilt as I did with my mother. I am able to make them go by calling an ambulance and putting them on the spot that way but I don't because I'm afraid of what my sister my say to me or rather maybe not even speak to me.

Well, surgery was done to remove the infection and she was told that they would have to do surgery again in a couple of days to remove the remainder of it. WHAT?? yep apparently too much to remove in one shot. See if my sister had gone when I suggested or rather urged her to, she wouldn't be suffering as much right now. What makes it even worse is her being diabetic. Yep, just like mom she is diabetic.

So when it comes to any of us three being like mom, well I think we are all like her in one way or another but I think D takes the biggest part of refusing medical attention.

I pray that she heals, I pray that when she feels the least bit sick or sees the need to be seen by a doctor that she take one look at her daughter and says to herself, if for no one else I'm going and do it.

I know that this post may cause her to be upset with me but I'm glad she finally went and next time I think I'll just put her thru the embarrassment of calling an ambulance because i rather she be mad at me than not have her here at all.

I'm not ready to lose a sister and my big sister at that. :) I love you!!

Wedding

No not my wedding, wish it were but oh well. :) We traveled to Oklahoma City, OK on Saturday for a cousin's wedding on Al's side of the family. We left at about noon and arrived at 3pm, showered, changed and headed out to the reception hall. Before we headed out, we took a photo of me and my inlaws. :)

(l-r) Chuy(BIL), Mari(SIL)& her husband Alex, Miguel(BIL), Isabel(MIL), Me, & Alonso(Mis ojos) LOL and believe it or not but me and my mother-in-law get along great. Actually, from what I heard she gets along better with me than with her other two daughter-in-laws :)

We were the first ones there and the first thing I saw was the cake. It was gorgeous, IMO, I loved the way it was tiered separately and the colors, the whole set up was really beautiful and next to it sat a table with fruit displays. The tables each had two bottles of champagne with a picture of the couple kissing and stated "Recuerdo de nuestra boda" "memory of our wedding" along with a hurricane lamp cover center piece.




The single men formed a snake line and danced around the dance hall and the girls did the same thing. I have never seen this before but I really enjoyed watching.




My little nieces were dancing about and posing when they would catch me with the camera. silly girls


Over all, we had a great time dancing and laughing, but after all these days of getting to bed late it caught up with me and I headed to my truck for a nap while everyone else continued parting and dancing. Everyone finally came out about 1am and we headed back to the house. Arrived home sunday and I was completely worn out. headed to bed early. My Thanksgiving holiday was loaded with family, friends and people I haven't seen in 20 years at the wedding.

Thanksgiving

Well, we had our thanksgiving, our first one without mom in person. I know she was with us in spirit but just not the same. Thanksgiving was mom's favorite holiday with christmas right behind it. Mom loved all the food we would cook, her stuffing, her mac'n'cheese homemade style with velveeta. While at my sister's, i could smell my mother's scent, as if she were there. I smiled really big when I smelled it, I knew she was there with us. We had a great time, my sister put mother's wheelchair at the head of the table and every once in while I would glance that way and i could picture her. we had fun laughing, food, cowboys and they won woohoo. Afterwards when the cleaning of everything and putting tables and chairs up, my sis was moving my mother's wheelchair to put it up in the garage it was then that I stopped what I was doing, loading my truck and looked over at my sister brushing off the wheelchair and I pictured my mother waving bye to me and I heard a faint whisper telling me it's ok. I lost it, I didn't want to but I couldn't hold back the tears. I cried hard. When we were ready to leave, me and my two sister were standing next to each other and my our big sister was between me and Mira and she hugged us, I knew right there that everything is going to be ok. I needed that hug from her, I love you!

Revisiting......

a place that I rather not but I know there will probably be other times like this one. I accompanied Al to Gonzalez funeral home on Saturday. One of his cousins that lived in St Louis, MO. was shot to death and his body was brought to Dallas for family and friends to attend a memorial before they were to take him back home to Durango Mexico.

Mr. Octavio Contreras was only 33 years old when he was fatally shot by a 17 yr old girl. Motive unknown at time of my blogging, only good thing is that with the help of the survellance cameras, they caught her and arrested her on a $1 million dollar bond. Charged with 1st degree murder. May he rest in peace knowing she was caught and may his mother and father have some kind of peace of mind as well.

I have never lost a loved one to a senseless death, as of yet. Anyone that has passed that I have known or is family have died of natural causes.

Saturday we found out his body would be at Gonzalez til four in the afternoon instead of Monday as previously planned. So we headed over. As we drove, all I could think about was Mom. In my head I could hear her say it's ok don't worry you will be fine, just be there for him. I prayed as we entered the funeral home, which was completely full of family and friends for this young man. About 200 people showed to pay respect to him and his family. I prayed that his body would be in the room opposite from where mom's was. But it wasn't. I walked into the room right behind Al and a picture flashed in front of my eyes. A picture of the day my mother was there laying at rest, very peaceful. The day that my sisters and I were mourning the loss of our mother and greeting family and friends as they arrived. But as that picture flashed before my eyes I also felt a very light pat on my back and faint whisper "it's ok mija". I had a tear rolling down my face not for my mother but for Al and his family of cousins.

I have been praying for this young man's family for a while now, back about 2 mths ago this young man's brother was brutally beaten by eight men who left him for dead. He recovered and has pulled through but just as he has almost completely recovered his brother was shot. We can't ask why just wonder.

My Boys

Well, Mike found a job :), he seems to like it. He was excited the first day because as he stated "I actually got to use my hands" lol the best part is that it's right down the street from where we live, maybe a mile or so.

Gabe is back home, for how long? Just don't know. Apparently Jane has some issues to work out and he thought some apart time would be the thing they both need right now.

I just hope that both my boys girlfriends can open their eyes to see that my boys really want to have a relationship with them and care for the babies and be there. I know my boys aren't perfect but the are far from what most boys or men are today. they dont' smoke, don't drink, don't do drugs and they don't run around 'chasing girls' and i pray each day that they remain that way. They also are aware of their obligations when it comes to their sons. Michael has been looking for a job for 3 or 4 mths and finally found one, his number one concern was making sure he gave money to his girlfriend for Fabian. Gabriel, has worked since he moved to Georgia, enrolled in college rec'd his driver license and would drive himself and jane back and forth from college. He provided for her and the baby.

The only thing I can do is pray about all of this each and everyday.

Surprise!!!

Me and Mira, younger sister, set out to give our older sister a surprise 40th birthday party and it worked. We had told her a couple of weeks ago that we wanted to take her to dinner and she was like ok. So Mira and I shopped on Saturday to get all the deco and food we needed to pull this off. We were at Party City for what seemed like hours just to order freaking balloons. Party City re-organized and IMO I don't think they did a very good job of it. There is only ONE line for ordering balloons even if you're not picking right then and there. ARGH.

headed over to Vet to pick up Cocoa, then headed to to pick up food for party. Sunday I woke up early, headed over to get table and chairs and then to Mira's house to get started. needed to get cake in oven for Julissa (celebrating her 2 yr b-day too), Serena, cousin, was bringing my Aunt Pat's chocolate cake mmmmmmmmm.

We prepared all the fixins, celantro, onions, limes, made the rice, had beans cooking in slow cooker all morning. Sabrina and Nathalie started decorating and me and Mario helped out, in the meantime Guicho and Al were outside mowing the lawn, edging and killing weeds. Then we moved to the patio to set up tables and decorate outdoors, this was the Luau part.

Invitaiton said 4pm, Daniela was suppose to meet us at Mira's house at 530 or 6 "to go out to eat." I saw them pulling up so everyone came to the front door, sisters house has double door entrance. So Mira opened one door and I opened the other and everyone yelled SURPRISE!!!!!!!!!! and then we all sang Happy Birthday as loud as we could. She was surprised. What I loved most is that all three of her best friends were able to make it.

Everyone had a good time and good food. happy birthday Daniela I'm so glad you enjoyed it and I hope we can do it again in ten years. I love you!

Mom

This morn Mom was rushed to ER and found that she had a heart attack again. She was taken to diaylsis and afterwards was put on a ventilator only after being explained that if not she would die. Mom had a DNR previously but I think she got scared and made the final decision to have a machine. I know that she still with us but I can't help but think that she's suffering even though not in pain and help but think that she orig didn't want this for her. However, I am very thankful for the Dr. who explained everything to her and she made the decision to have the ventilator to her her breath.

I don't know how long she'll have to have this but there is hope and she is a very strong woman. I love you mom!!