Wednesday, September 30, 2009

39 years ago this very day

I came into this world. At the age of 15 I began life as a young adult. My years prior to that age I enjoyed very much like any other kid. Playing with my friends down the street, Alexis, the tripletts, Brian and Rachel, Went to church on the Joy Bus at Casa View Church of Christ, later to be renamed Meadowview Church of Christ. I was baptized at the age of 14, feeling that I finally had found the Lord. Afterwards, events in my life came to light and my life took a turn towards becoming a young adult, working, school and helping out at home. I don't regret not one minute of any of events that took place in my life after the age of 15. If not for any of that I wouldn't be as strong as I am today.

My adult life has been rewarded with children, grandchildren, cousins, aunts and uncles that have given me advice and my friends which have pretty much all lasted a lifetime and I hope will continue to last my lifetime that remains. The best reward in my life second to my children are my sisters. We have had our arguments, ups and downs and believe me plent of disagreements between us. But my love for them never fades it gets stronger. My Mother taught us that no matter what happens, family is family in the end.

My birthday wish for this year is that my children too learn the value of family and friends. With those two in your heart, you can't go wrong.

Monday, September 28, 2009

My weekend

My Problems are minimal........

compared to what my boss is going thru. I arrived at work and had this update from him on his son, Nate.

""Nate has had a strange few days. He has been more playful and seems to have more energy. There just have been some things that still are not right. He goes back to Children's on Tuesday and I am sure they will run tests on him as a result of some symptoms. He has a bowel movement with suppositories, but not really any other time. He throws up occasionally and complains of headaches (both signs of tumor), but then ten minutes later wants to eat and is laughing and playing. His walking is horrible, but he crawls great and is climbing on everything. This could all be swelling from the radiation that will go away, complications from all of his procedures that may or may not go away, or it could be the cancer spreading again. It is frustrating, because some things tell you he is fine and everything is running its course, but then there is always that fear wondering why did that just happen or there has to be a reason for this not happening and you can't help but to think the worst. In many ways we don't want to know any more, we have been told that what has been done for him already is all that can be done and we just want to believe that it is all up to our precious LORD what happens from here. I know that God is good and HE has a plan for how HE wants to use us all. I believe that Nate will make it through this and will grow up to do even greater things for HIS kingdom. All of that said, I still have fears and I still struggle to understand why and how through all of this. At the end of the day, he is still my little three year old boy who I love beyond words, my heart aches, please continue to pray for him, he needs it now more than ever. May God bless you all -- Wes""

I find as I sit at work that my problems and anyone whose is not experiencing CANCER is nothing compared to that of my bosses son and the entire family that it's taking it's toll on. When a person has cancer the entire family has it just because you never know which way it's going to go.

I pray every day when I wake for several things but my prayers lean 80% to his son. I am asking anyone and everyone who reads this blog to please, please include him and his family in your prayers. For peace, healing, support, strength, faith, hope. Just know that I send this prayer out to all the Cancer patients and survivors. For the patients that they find healing rapidly and the survivors to allow them a full life without the thought of this ugly disease returning.

Friday, September 25, 2009

State Fair of Texas

Well, it's here and it doesn't feel like it. Mom always made it a point to go even if for one day out of the three weeks. She loved the fair, Fletcher's was her favorite item. If I went without her i made sure to bring her two or three back. Mom always enjoyed the fair when all of her girls and grandkids could go together. she made sure she had money to treat all of us to something, even if it was just a drink.

This year will be different, Mom won't be with us physically but I know that she will be with us spiritually. I don't care much for the corny dog but I will eat one for her. :) only no mustard. I know that going to the fair without her just won't be the same.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

My Boys

Well, Mike found a job :), he seems to like it. He was excited the first day because as he stated "I actually got to use my hands" lol the best part is that it's right down the street from where we live, maybe a mile or so.

Gabe is back home, for how long? Just don't know. Apparently Jane has some issues to work out and he thought some apart time would be the thing they both need right now.

I just hope that both my boys girlfriends can open their eyes to see that my boys really want to have a relationship with them and care for the babies and be there. I know my boys aren't perfect but the are far from what most boys or men are today. they dont' smoke, don't drink, don't do drugs and they don't run around 'chasing girls' and i pray each day that they remain that way. They also are aware of their obligations when it comes to their sons. Michael has been looking for a job for 3 or 4 mths and finally found one, his number one concern was making sure he gave money to his girlfriend for Fabian. Gabriel, has worked since he moved to Georgia, enrolled in college rec'd his driver license and would drive himself and jane back and forth from college. He provided for her and the baby.

The only thing I can do is pray about all of this each and everyday.

Monday, September 21, 2009

head is spinning

i'm so confused at the present with my own relationship, my children, my family overall. I pray every morning, then when i get home i sit in my room and pray again and talk to mom about everything. I know that everyone deserves chances at anything and everything but my question is how many do you give in order to not regret later in life not giving that one extra chance. How do you know someone won't change if you don't give them that one more chance to show they can or at least try. I've always made my decisions with the regret factor in mind and of course talking it out between me and mom and at times with some prayer. But this time around for some odd reason my prayer hasn't been answered quite as fast as other times. A sign or something that will lead me in the right direction. I just don't know which way to go on some things that are coming my way at this moment in my life, it's like I'm at a 4-way stop and dont' know which direction to take. I guess this time around my patience is being tested and I just have to keep looking for the sign that says which way to go.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009


Stallions are 3-0............woohoo

10:52 p.m.

Here lately I've been going to bed rather early. Wake up and out the door by 6:30 a.m. give or take a few minutes. This past week or so, I've been having trouble falling asleep, usually head hits pillow and i'm out. But here lately I've been doing alot of tossing and turning, getting up pacing my bedroom floor, I also noticed that the little red light on my fan gives off a brighter light than before I rearranged my room and the way it points I now see my shadow on the wall during the night. As I step our my front door in the mornings I have had this sense of feeling like something is going to me. I have a habit of walking around my truck to check tires and windows every morning and as I'm doing this I get the same feeling again and again. It's gotten to the point where I re-think about leaving my house or I get behind the wheel with extra caution.

Last night I fell asleep fast. I looked at my clock and it read 9:45 p.m. I never look at my clock as I close my eyes almost like never. But for an odd reason I did last night. I don't remember anything from that point......until 10:52 p.m. My nightstand sit at the head of my bed, so to see my clock, i have to turn my head up.

At exactly 10:52 p.m. my eyes opened looking straight at the clock and a question came out of my mouth loud and clear, not question like in my head but loud and clear like I'm asking someone this question. "What if I don't wake up tomorrow?" The I started to ponder that question in my head. I started saying things in my head and asking questions in my head looking at the clock the whole time. What if I dont' wake up, some people never do, it happens all the time, am I going to be here for my daughter and my sons, is it ok to close my eyes, have I served my purpose.....just going on and on and on.

I turned over and noticed my shadow on the wall. At first I was like is that my shadow and I moved my head or so I thought I did and the shadow didn't move so I got up and this time it moved with me.

The one thing that has really made any sense to me in the past week is that Saturday night at about 10:30p.m. I left a friends house and sat my truck for 3 hours crying like a big baby and calling for my mother, Ama, Ama. Nothing triggered this from what I can remember but I was able to let a lot out of what I have been holding inside. For some odd reason that night since she passed away, I have yet to cry, I talk to her as if she were here next to me, when I walk into my sister's house I say the usual "Hey momma" as if she were sitting there. Well, Saturday I did what I have been wanting to do, accept that she is with me in spirit rather than in person. Before letting all this out, I was ready to call and tell my sisters that I would not be coming to Sunday dinner, just because I felt strange and didn't want to be around family, for no reason just because I didn't feel up to it. But I think that mom has been behind everything I'm feeling and I know she was behind me letting it all out Saturday night so that I could be with my family.

This morning I woke up, dressed and walked out the door. I again had the same sense of feeling like something is going to happen. I got in my truck asked my usual prayer as I do every morning behind the wheel but this time I gave thanks. Thanks for allowing me one more day.