Thursday, January 31, 2008

Why can't people think of anyone but THEM!

Ok I get a call from my mother, her oldest sister was rushed to emergency. She apparently had a stroke. I'm here at work thinking oh no not this. I called my boss to let her know that I have to leave, she's ok with it at that particular moment. No sooner had I hung up my boss calls me back one question "Belinda, are you coming back today?" My response? well on the inside I'm yelling at her thinking how the hell can you ask me something like this?! Can all you think about is your business?

Just two weeks ago I was locked up for my stupid license being suspended and i called her and let her know that I would be out the next day and explained what happen. She said i'll get some money and get you out. i said NO NO NO i don't have the money to pay for this, well Belinda I have a business to run. OMG and i don't have a life to live? So my next check was paid directly back to her because SHE had a business to run, the hell with what bills i had budgeted for the hell with my gas money for the next two weeks.

So I finally answered her and said "I Don't know I'll just wait til 5 for me to leave." No as soon as i get there you can leave. at the time of this post it's been 2 hours since her call "i'm on my way!"


It's only Thursday!

OMG this week has dragged by so so slow. It's only Thursday and I'm so ready for the weekend! But I also ask myself "what for?" it's not like I have major plans for the weekend. I don't hardly go dancing anymore, well movies are always good but you get bored going alone after so many of them. It would be nice to have someone accompany you once in a while. But as my luck always takers.

On Thursdays my 'routine' is usually Ugly Betty but not tonight, some other show airs. So much for that! I guess it's me and my pillow for early bed.

Last night, i visited an old friend who I use to buy my jewelry from and me and her talked like what seemed for hours upon hours. It was so good to see her again. We talked about my phone call with my 'ex-husband' and my son moving away and what my plans are from here on. I realized that one thing I do want is to get away from the city and live my life as I want no matter what anyone says or how anyone feels.

I decided to become a single mother the day my husband hit me for the very first time, I promised myself that I would not be an abused wife, so I made that life-altering decision on my own. Well, since that day I have always lived where it's more convenient for my children and my mother seeing as I pretty much helped take care of my mom due to her disability. I drove vehicles that could fit my children and mother with her wheelchair and allowed her to get in and out with ease. I worked jobs that allowed the flexibility to leave at a moments notice or allowed time off without the hassle of going to a chain of command.

So now that mom doesn't live with me, it's different. I realize that i can move to a smaller apt if i want or i can buy my big truck if i want. Alot of people who know me would say that's selfish of me but you know what I DON'T CARE! I have never done things in my life without asking is it ok and now it doesn't matter much because it's time for me to live for ME!

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Where am I going?

I am 37 and have a sense of what goals I want to accomplish but really no idea where I'm heading. My oldest son has left home and moved to Georgia. Don't get me wrong, he moved to be with the love of his life and they will be making me a grandmother by September 2008!

My middle son, well no matter how many times I tell him he will never believe me, at least not right now. But I love him so so much, I see myself in him when I was younger, wanting to make my money and get my own place and have no one to answer to. But I was never rebellious against my mother nor was I ever defiant against her. He wants to grow up so fast and if he only really knew what he's missing maybe he wouldn't be so quick to want to be a man just yet.

My daughter, well of course my middle son thinks that I have her a pedestal and that she can do no wrong. Ok maybe I do have her on one but it's only because of the experiences in my life that I do that so that no one and I mean no one can touch her. When Vica was borned i was scared, I wanted only boys for children but then when she came along oh how happy I was that I had my own little girl that I could bond with as my mother never really did with me. But I was scared that one day I may not be able to protect her and that I would somehow come to fail her or my boys. So yes I hold her up on a pedestal but she's acutally up there right along side my two boys as well.

So far I think I've done pretty well raising my children on my own. Now that my oldest has moved on and started his life, I have started thinking ok my first goal was my first born's graduation, goal accomplished. Second, well it didn't work out, he decided school was not for him. Third, well still working on it, she's in 7th as of this post.

But my oldest son's graduation is the first step in my life changing and I get to thinking what do I want to do with my life after my children have grown and moved to their own lives?