Feburary 8, 2012 @ 3:15 p.m.

Today marks 3 years that my mother Lupe Rios passed away and left behind a 1 son, 3 daughters, 8 grand-children and 5 great-grandchildren. It doesn't seem real and it doesn't seem like I actually experienced my mother's passing.

I was talking with my sister's today since we spent the day together and my older sister mentioned how it seemed that mom would wake up and everything would be ok and I was feeling the exact same thing as I sat in the hospital room with mom. Looking at her I saw her sleeping and breathing, even if with help from the respirator, but I kept thinking in my mind, ok she's taking a nap and will wake up in a bit and we can go home. But as God's will would have it she didn't wake up to come home with us, she woke up to go home with Ama and Apa.

My mother was removed from "life support" and left us a very short time thereafter. She was surrounded by several people that she loved and they loved her as well. Mother use to always say "you know who your family and friends are by the visitors you get while you're in the hospital or come to your funeral."

Well, mom was very well loved by many even from far away from people she had never met in person. I know that if everyone that she had befriended online could have been there that day they would have been.

The Rosary service was packed beyond what I could have imagined, some people that had not met her but met her daughters and respected us enough to come show their support and condolences.

I sit many a night listening to her CD's she left behind that she would sit up at night for hours making and listen to herself while chatting with her online friends. As I listen I see her next to me "echando gritos" and smiling ear to ear.

I have so so so many memories of her and for that I am so ever thankful. Our trips to the movies, concerts, six flags, family dinners, hospital visits with our children, even if just minor she would accompany if she could. She loved breakfast anytime of the day, Mariachi music, casinos, road trips, but more than anything she loved life.

In our school days she was a seamstress and loved to sew. She would make our school clothes for us and we wore them proudly and rec'd several compliments as well. Even the day before she had her leg amputated, she made me a nice little western vest.

Mom knew no boundaries with her disabilities, never met a stranger and never complained.

She lived to laugh and she laughed to live.

10:52 p.m.

Here lately I've been going to bed rather early. Wake up and out the door by 6:30 a.m. give or take a few minutes. This past week or so, I've been having trouble falling asleep, usually head hits pillow and i'm out. But here lately I've been doing alot of tossing and turning, getting up pacing my bedroom floor, I also noticed that the little red light on my fan gives off a brighter light than before I rearranged my room and the way it points I now see my shadow on the wall during the night. As I step our my front door in the mornings I have had this sense of feeling like something is going to happen.....to me. I have a habit of walking around my truck to check tires and windows every morning and as I'm doing this I get the same feeling again and again. It's gotten to the point where I re-think about leaving my house or I get behind the wheel with extra caution.

Last night I fell asleep fast. I looked at my clock and it read 9:45 p.m. I never look at my clock as I close my eyes almost like never. But for an odd reason I did last night. I don't remember anything from that point......until 10:52 p.m. My nightstand sit at the head of my bed, so to see my clock, i have to turn my head up.

At exactly 10:52 p.m. my eyes opened looking straight at the clock and a question came out of my mouth loud and clear, not question like in my head but loud and clear like I'm asking someone this question. "What if I don't wake up tomorrow?" The I started to ponder that question in my head. I started saying things in my head and asking questions in my head looking at the clock the whole time. What if I dont' wake up, some people never do, it happens all the time, am I going to be here for my daughter and my sons, is it ok to close my eyes, have I served my purpose.....just going on and on and on.

I turned over and noticed my shadow on the wall. At first I was like is that my shadow and I moved my head or so I thought I did and the shadow didn't move so I got up and this time it moved with me.

The one thing that has really made any sense to me in the past week is that Saturday night at about 10:30p.m. I left a friends house and sat my truck for 3 hours crying like a big baby and calling for my mother, Ama, Ama. Nothing triggered this from what I can remember but I was able to let a lot out of what I have been holding inside. For some odd reason that night since she passed away, I have yet to cry, I talk to her as if she were here next to me, when I walk into my sister's house I say the usual "Hey momma" as if she were sitting there. Well, Saturday I did what I have been wanting to do, accept that she is with me in spirit rather than in person. Before letting all this out, I was ready to call and tell my sisters that I would not be coming to Sunday dinner, just because I felt strange and didn't want to be around family, for no reason just because I didn't feel up to it. But I think that mom has been behind everything I'm feeling and I know she was behind me letting it all out Saturday night so that I could be with my family.

This morning I woke up, dressed and walked out the door. I again had the same sense of feeling like something is going to happen. I got in my truck asked my usual prayer as I do every morning behind the wheel but this time I gave thanks. Thanks for allowing me one more day.

Sunday 02/08/2009 @ 3:40pm

My mother took her last breath here on earth and was received by her Father above. Yes it was very hard to be strong just as I thought it would and I have cried, laughed, cried and laughed. Just how my mom would want us to.

I too will fall asleep and wake up to see her again. Not any time soon ok mom. :)

Love you!! RIP

Sunday - Mom

Today is the day we will remove all meds and machines from mom. We don't know how long she'll last but we know that if she doesn't hang on we made the right choice. Mom didn't want to be maintained on meds and machines. She made that clear almost every day that she lived with me and when we all get together.

i need my mom, I'm not sure if I can be strong like I want to be. I have my sisters to lean on and all my other family but still, it just seems like, like everything is coming to an end. I feel like without my mother, like what now? I know that life goes on and Mom never wanted us to be sad when her time came to pass but it's hard to be that strong. I can't help but cry. When mom moved out back in '07 when she had her first heart attack, I arrived home from work and out of routine I shouted mom i'm home, it's me and then I walked back to her room and i'm like oh i forgot she's at daniela's, but now I know that when i go to daniela's and I walk into her room to say hey momma, she won't be there and I can't say she's at mija's or somewhere else.

I'll have a huge void that I don't know what could possibly fill it. But my life will go on just like mom would want it, however not easy but when i scratch my lotto ticket, i'll have one for mom. When I go to the casino, mom will be with me, when i cry at night calling her, she'll be with me telling me don't worry.

I love you momma!!

Mom - Day 17

Well, yesterday me and my sisters met with her doctor and answered our questions. He gave us the options and found that yes the machines are the only thing really keeping her here with us. Without any of it she may last an hour maybe two. Me and my sisters have made a decision.

We will be removing support on Sunday Feb 8th at 3pm. Thank you to all my family and friends for their prayers and thoughts. We know that mom did not want to be supported by machines and therefore we are going to let her rest.

Mom - Day 12

Well, today Margaret (our favorite nurse) was straightening out the lines to all the things hooked up to mom. All the lines were changed and the cat was moved due to infection. Cultures are being done to pinpoint the place of infection. Infection doc came in and said her white blood cells where elevated, sign of infection.

JoJo got to see Mom, finally! As I walked in yesterday, there was a lady who apparently had just arrived that day and had her son, about jo's age 5-6, and they allowed her to the back to see her loved one. Now wait a damn minute, you know me, I stepped right up to the nurses station and stated "Now we've been here going on two weeks and last week we asked the very same request and were denied, now why does she get to go back there?" I looked at the nurse and turned away. She then came into mom's room and motioned for me, "Can I please speak with you?" Sure, well after all was said and done, JoJo got to see Nana.

Today Margaret tells me that if I have any concerns to let them know, I said oh believe me I will voice any concerns I have, Margaret goes to state, yeah your sister told me you would. LOL

Mom - Day 11

Today, I wasn't at the hospital this morning. Last night me and Al decided we should go home and get some much needed rest. Right as we arrived at the house, he gets the call we have been dreading. His grandfather passed away.

I met this man last year in July and shortly after meeting him, he was admitted to the hospital due to lung and kidney failure. Docs told him that only about 3 weeks to live if that. Well, 1/2 year later we get that dreaded call. So we headed over to Al's apt to be with mom and family.

Mr. Hernandez was such a loving man, he accepted me right away. I would joke with him that Al stood me up at New Year's Eve to be with him when I first met Al. LOL During these past 6 mths, he would call Al and always asked for me to see how I was doing and if I wasn't around, he would tell Al "Tell Belinda I'm still alive". I loved him and he loved me right back. I could tell that when he got better last year he didn't want to go back home to Washington but he had to. If I'm not mistaken he was about 82 or 83 years old. He lived a lifetime and I was honored to be just a small part of his life. He told me that I was actually a big part of his life seeing as I was with his best bud, Alonzo.

Alonzo never knew his father seeing as he passed away when Al was very young, so his grandfather, his mom's dad, is the one that helped raise him and the two became very close. So close in fact that they called each other "Carnal" in English that would be brother. Alonzo is holding up pretty good but I think once we go to the funeral service and it's over with, it will hit him.

On my way to the hospital and work this morning, Mira, my sister calls. Someone rearended her and so here I go. Well, her damage is to the bumper in the back front headlight was just hanging there. She was pushed into someone else. The red sports car that hit her well went underneath her car so very little damage to the rear. However, damage to the gas tank cage/cover, muffler was bent causing a breakage and now when she revs the vehicle you can hear that ugly noise it makes, front headlight wasn't broken but the whole headlight broke from the base where it sits, front bumper is cracked. She was a bit shaken but otherwise seemed fine. Told her what to do before the cops showed up. She's good to go.

Mom was sedated early this morning due to her being very active and wouldn't calm down. Bloodwork drawn to check for infection. Still on venti.

Is it Monday? Seems like it from my view.

Mom - Day 10

This morning they started mom on CPAK, i guess that's how it's spelled. Anyway, it's where she is still hooked up to the venti but she is breathing on her own basically. They tested her for about two hours this morning to see how well she does and maybe they could remove her tube, but no luck yet. Her breathing is shallow and doc says prob not strong enough just yet to breath on her own.

Mom, is alert and nods her head, she gets frustrated seeing as she is trying to tell us something but we just don't understand her. :( But she's awake.

Mom - Day 9

This morning I walked in and new nurse, Olga, was being briefed on mom. I headed over to mom and said "Hey momma" and OMG she's awake. She wanted to lift her arms but they are strapped down. Cardio doc says chest xrays look much better and that they are trying to get her off meds and that's why they are removing the sedation. She could hear me, she squeezed my hand and even tried to mouth some words. I told her not to try and speak and to just squeeze my hand.

What a wonderful day!

Mom - Day 8

Well, over the weekend I have no computer. Mom has been stable and really no change. She has had a few times where her blood pressure lowers but the nurses just give her more meds and helps level out her pressure.

That was the one thing mom had no problems with, was her blood pressure and now it's what they are having to watch for her. Go figure. I have cried, prayed, cried, prayed daily. I ask for guidance, strength, but most of all for her to have peace. To release her from suffering whether it be going home to me and my sisters or going home with Ama and Apa. I want her here more than anything but I'm not going to be selfish. I want her here for thousand of reasons, she has to see Jojo grow up just like she did her other grandchildren, she still has to meet her new grandson, Phoenix. She has so many friends that seek her for guidance and counseling even if they have never met but she helps them thru their tough times. But most of all I want her here just because. I want to be able to surprise her with Mariachis once again, I wanted to give her the $100 the wanted to feed the Wheel of Fortune at Choctaw Casino for her birthday. There is still so much more I want to do with her.

Once I told mom that she was my hero. The day I found out that she helped a Mr. Gonzalez in the nursing home when mom had her leg amputated. Mr. Gonzalez was paralyzed from the neck down and had not made progress for the year that he had been there. Mom befriend him and after only 3 or 4 months, Mr. Gonzalez was moving his arms, moving his legs and seemed happier than when mom met him. She inspires me when I'm sick to not let it get the best of me. To fight and laugh always and to always find the humor in everything that happens. After her amputation, I stated calling her Gimpy and she would just tell me "Vas a ver, cabrona" We were all her Cabronas. Because of her I have learned to never let anyone put me down, hold my head up always, stand for what I believe in. I need her here with me, with us.

Lord, please hear our prayers. Our prayers that ask for strength to understand what we don't, strength to have the patience we need in the waiting process of your will to be done.

Mom - Day 5

This morning I overslept in my truck, didn't get up til about 730. :(

Checked on mom and she was moving her arm and her head somewhat, eyes slightly open, told her I was there and asked if she could hear me and she nodded her head yes. :) They started to pull fluid last night from her, previously it was only "cleaning" her via dialysis. Now they have begun to pull fluid. She has responded well to her ventilator being lowered from 14 to 12 now this morning 11 breaths per min. She has also responded well to her pressure med being slowly removed, sedation meds have been lowered as well.

Dr. Fernandes - Pulmonary Dr., says lungs look the same as yesterday, but not worse, that's a good sign. Dr. Branson - Cardio, hadn't made it in before I left, sisters will talk with him.

Thank you to all my family and friends for the prayers, and to her huge circle of friends who have all been emailing me daily showing support and praying.

Mom - Day 4

Late evening yesterday and this morning she responded to us by squeezing our hands more and a slight nod of her head. This morning the lung doctor told Daniela that he lungs seem to be clearing up and there's a possibility of her breathing on her own, however to understand that her heart is borderline. Which means that breathing on her own will cause stress to the heart causing damage or even another heart attack.

We keep praying for a miracle.