Tuesday, September 15, 2009

10:52 p.m.

Here lately I've been going to bed rather early. Wake up and out the door by 6:30 a.m. give or take a few minutes. This past week or so, I've been having trouble falling asleep, usually head hits pillow and i'm out. But here lately I've been doing alot of tossing and turning, getting up pacing my bedroom floor, I also noticed that the little red light on my fan gives off a brighter light than before I rearranged my room and the way it points I now see my shadow on the wall during the night. As I step our my front door in the mornings I have had this sense of feeling like something is going to happen.....to me. I have a habit of walking around my truck to check tires and windows every morning and as I'm doing this I get the same feeling again and again. It's gotten to the point where I re-think about leaving my house or I get behind the wheel with extra caution.

Last night I fell asleep fast. I looked at my clock and it read 9:45 p.m. I never look at my clock as I close my eyes almost like never. But for an odd reason I did last night. I don't remember anything from that point......until 10:52 p.m. My nightstand sit at the head of my bed, so to see my clock, i have to turn my head up.

At exactly 10:52 p.m. my eyes opened looking straight at the clock and a question came out of my mouth loud and clear, not question like in my head but loud and clear like I'm asking someone this question. "What if I don't wake up tomorrow?" The I started to ponder that question in my head. I started saying things in my head and asking questions in my head looking at the clock the whole time. What if I dont' wake up, some people never do, it happens all the time, am I going to be here for my daughter and my sons, is it ok to close my eyes, have I served my purpose.....just going on and on and on.

I turned over and noticed my shadow on the wall. At first I was like is that my shadow and I moved my head or so I thought I did and the shadow didn't move so I got up and this time it moved with me.

The one thing that has really made any sense to me in the past week is that Saturday night at about 10:30p.m. I left a friends house and sat my truck for 3 hours crying like a big baby and calling for my mother, Ama, Ama. Nothing triggered this from what I can remember but I was able to let a lot out of what I have been holding inside. For some odd reason that night since she passed away, I have yet to cry, I talk to her as if she were here next to me, when I walk into my sister's house I say the usual "Hey momma" as if she were sitting there. Well, Saturday I did what I have been wanting to do, accept that she is with me in spirit rather than in person. Before letting all this out, I was ready to call and tell my sisters that I would not be coming to Sunday dinner, just because I felt strange and didn't want to be around family, for no reason just because I didn't feel up to it. But I think that mom has been behind everything I'm feeling and I know she was behind me letting it all out Saturday night so that I could be with my family.

This morning I woke up, dressed and walked out the door. I again had the same sense of feeling like something is going to happen. I got in my truck asked my usual prayer as I do every morning behind the wheel but this time I gave thanks. Thanks for allowing me one more day.

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