That new window

Well as the saying goes, when one window closes another will open. And man I smell the fresh air. The fresh air of not having to worry that a client will want to file a complaint or sue the agency I worked for for unethical practices. You know I tried to tell Randa about sending checks on time and how that can come back but people who care only about themselves usually don't listen. Well, all I can do is pray that her agency doesn't suffer. I pray for her too. She tries to tell people how wonderful she is to her employees and really she is but only when it's a convenience to her. Funny how I have been lookin back and when I requested time or it came up that my mother was in the hospital it always seemed to bother her. She always asked well what about your sisters? Well, yeah what about them? I don't care if I have two sisters, I'm me and me wants to tend to my mother.

And when I said to myself that one day Randa will bad mouthed me because she feels that I wasn't loyal I was right. Like I said all I can do is pray for her. The only reason she finds people for not being loyal is because she can't be loyal herself without having to bring it up to people's faces about how "loyal" she is. She is such an insecure person. You know my mother told me once that when people start accusing you it's usually because they are the ones that are like that or doing.

All they cared about was "Well, we can't give you a good recommendation" well I don't need one because all you can say is "no" she wouldn't be rehired. Well, that doesn't say much....DOH.

Me and my Lord know how I performed while i was at that office and how I serviced her clients. That's all that matters.

What now?

Well, this past Saturday we had mom's service at the Cathedral, and it was so beautiful. We were able to have Mariachis and they sounded like angels. My cousin Juanita made all the arrangements for us and they turned out just like we wanted. Thank you so much.

I still have my 18 yr son at home whom, a few years back we were on the edge with each other. He moved back in this past summer or fall and he had actually changed from how he use to treat me. Well, I think he's going back to that person again. :(

I spend my mornings searching for work, only because I need something to keep me busy. I need to sleep, I want to sleep and never wake up. I have such a huge void inside me, one that can never be filled. But I know that I have to live my life as I have been doing, if for nothing else for my daughter and sons and my new grandson.

My sister emailed me about Sunday dinners, well yes we need to still continue with that, because I know mom would want it that way. But I know that we won't be able to hear her say "come on give an old lady a break" when we're playing our poker game. LOL

I haven't cried. I can't cry. I want to yell, scream, throw things. I don't have anger inside. It's frustration. Frustration that the one time mom needed me to help her I couldn't. Mom and I lived together on and off for the good part of 20 years. Anytime she got sick, or needed something done, I would do what I could. There were times when she would get sick and I had to argue with her to see the doctor. The year she got her leg amputated, she had a water blister on her heel. I told her don't pick at it. Well, cabesona como ella sola, she did. I would tell her let me clean it for you. Well, after a bit she started walking funny because of the pain of the infection. I would tell her let me see but no she wouldn't. Then the day came I asked her to sew me a vest for a dance. She did and that's when I realized it was way too serious to ignore. The next day we were at ER and then it happen. Leg got amputated.

I've always tried to be there for her, I know we had out ups and downs as mother and daughters have but I never stopped loving her and I know for a fact she never stopped loving us. My frustration is that on this last hospital stay, no matter how much we wanted to help her, we couldn't. After all the years of her telling me, not to hook her up to machines, I know that she made her decision with the doctor, but I feel like I let her down. I want her back so much but I know she's looking down at us, just at Gene said in the eulogy, it's OK Mija.

Sunday 02/08/2009 @ 3:40pm

My mother took her last breath here on earth and was received by her Father above. Yes it was very hard to be strong just as I thought it would and I have cried, laughed, cried and laughed. Just how my mom would want us to.

I too will fall asleep and wake up to see her again. Not any time soon ok mom. :)

Love you!! RIP

Sunday - Mom

Today is the day we will remove all meds and machines from mom. We don't know how long she'll last but we know that if she doesn't hang on we made the right choice. Mom didn't want to be maintained on meds and machines. She made that clear almost every day that she lived with me and when we all get together.

i need my mom, I'm not sure if I can be strong like I want to be. I have my sisters to lean on and all my other family but still, it just seems like, like everything is coming to an end. I feel like without my mother, like what now? I know that life goes on and Mom never wanted us to be sad when her time came to pass but it's hard to be that strong. I can't help but cry. When mom moved out back in '07 when she had her first heart attack, I arrived home from work and out of routine I shouted mom i'm home, it's me and then I walked back to her room and i'm like oh i forgot she's at daniela's, but now I know that when i go to daniela's and I walk into her room to say hey momma, she won't be there and I can't say she's at mija's or somewhere else.

I'll have a huge void that I don't know what could possibly fill it. But my life will go on just like mom would want it, however not easy but when i scratch my lotto ticket, i'll have one for mom. When I go to the casino, mom will be with me, when i cry at night calling her, she'll be with me telling me don't worry.

I love you momma!!

Mom - Day 17

Well, yesterday me and my sisters met with her doctor and answered our questions. He gave us the options and found that yes the machines are the only thing really keeping her here with us. Without any of it she may last an hour maybe two. Me and my sisters have made a decision.

We will be removing support on Sunday Feb 8th at 3pm. Thank you to all my family and friends for their prayers and thoughts. We know that mom did not want to be supported by machines and therefore we are going to let her rest.