Wednesday, February 18, 2009

What now?

Well, this past Saturday we had mom's service at the Cathedral, and it was so beautiful. We were able to have Mariachis and they sounded like angels. My cousin Juanita made all the arrangements for us and they turned out just like we wanted. Thank you so much.

I still have my 18 yr son at home whom, a few years back we were on the edge with each other. He moved back in this past summer or fall and he had actually changed from how he use to treat me. Well, I think he's going back to that person again. :(

I spend my mornings searching for work, only because I need something to keep me busy. I need to sleep, I want to sleep and never wake up. I have such a huge void inside me, one that can never be filled. But I know that I have to live my life as I have been doing, if for nothing else for my daughter and sons and my new grandson.

My sister emailed me about Sunday dinners, well yes we need to still continue with that, because I know mom would want it that way. But I know that we won't be able to hear her say "come on give an old lady a break" when we're playing our poker game. LOL

I haven't cried. I can't cry. I want to yell, scream, throw things. I don't have anger inside. It's frustration. Frustration that the one time mom needed me to help her I couldn't. Mom and I lived together on and off for the good part of 20 years. Anytime she got sick, or needed something done, I would do what I could. There were times when she would get sick and I had to argue with her to see the doctor. The year she got her leg amputated, she had a water blister on her heel. I told her don't pick at it. Well, cabesona como ella sola, she did. I would tell her let me clean it for you. Well, after a bit she started walking funny because of the pain of the infection. I would tell her let me see but no she wouldn't. Then the day came I asked her to sew me a vest for a dance. She did and that's when I realized it was way too serious to ignore. The next day we were at ER and then it happen. Leg got amputated.

I've always tried to be there for her, I know we had out ups and downs as mother and daughters have but I never stopped loving her and I know for a fact she never stopped loving us. My frustration is that on this last hospital stay, no matter how much we wanted to help her, we couldn't. After all the years of her telling me, not to hook her up to machines, I know that she made her decision with the doctor, but I feel like I let her down. I want her back so much but I know she's looking down at us, just at Gene said in the eulogy, it's OK Mija.


Moni & Tim said...
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Moni & Tim said...

The pain of not having your mom around will eventually subside. Put your complete faith in God to carry you through. Always remember the good times because those are the ones that get you through to the next moment. She is in the most bestest hands anyone could ever want to be in. Keep strong for your kids and let them see how you can go on. Because one day they to will be in your shoes, but they will remember how strong you were. It is by your actions that they learn not your words. I love you and I pray that God wraps his arms around you to ease the sorrow.