Thursday, July 16, 2009

Breaking up was never hard.........til now

Over the years as a single person I have made myself strong and become determined in life. When I left my husband, I returned three times to try and make the relationship work. All three times I left my job, lost my aparment, and lost all my furniture. All three times ended up with the same result - leaving him. So I vowed that I would never fall in love again with anyone. Vica's dad was a bit different, I loved him but I wasn't in love with him so when time came to break up, I was able to let him go and I didn't look back.

Since then I have dated but I have not been involved in a serious relationship since. Til I met Alonso in Dec 2007. He was different and I noticed it right away. I kept telling myself 'this can't be'. We dated and we decided to make it official and I changed in a way I swore I would never change when it came to men. I let go of all my male friends with the exception of one who I worked with on the side and even that one I was letting go of slowly but surely just because I knew it bothered Alonso and also because one day we discussed this issue and we argued over it and I told him that no I would not stop my communication with Martin for him because we were good friends. But after that argument, I stepped back and looked at it from his point of view and made a decision. I would cut ties because I loved Alonso and I know that when you love someone, you change. So I did.

Well, I guess I'm a little late. We broke it off about 3 weeks ago now and it's not due to any of what I just wrote but maybe if he had known everything that I was going thru and doing, he may have acted a bit different towards me to where we wouldn't have broken it off. I'll never know. Do I regret not telling him about my changes? No. I try not to regret things but instead learn from them. I never want a man to know I'm changing because the majority of them will think "yeah I told her to change, it was either this or me". I change because I want to not because someone wants me to. I also do it out of love. When I do things like this, it's because I really truly love someone and made a decision that only I can make. I honestly thought this would be the guy after being single for 18 years but I guess I was wrong again, as usual. I'm sorry momma that it didn't work out, I know you were so happy for me to have finally found someone who 'socialized' with the family.

Yes this breakup has taught me that breaking up is hard to do, but as once before, I will get over this. For now, til I am over it, I'll continue to live as I can. Trying to keep myself busy and not think about him, I try not to listen to the radio either, too many songs that we both liked and tears start to fill my eyes. I think what makes it even harder is that I don't have my mother to see or call and talk to her about it. Hell I can't even get through typing this without crying. LOL I'm glad to see that I'm not as hard as I thought, deep down I do have a very soft side when it come to men, but it takes alot to bring that out in me and Alonso did just that, what no other man has done.

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