On Hold

Well, I recently broke up with my boyfriend about a month or so ago. Since then I have kept busy and I find that I started doing things again. By that I mean things that I stopped doing to be in a relationship. I don't blame him because he didn't 'make' me stop doing anything but I stopped because I knew that it would make him happy so to say. So basically I put my life on hold for him and that's wrong. I promised I would never do that and I did.

I stopped going dancing (my favorite thing to do second to movies), I stopped washing my truck every weekend (he didn't like doing that), stopped seeing friends, stopped going for drives just because, I stopped caring about myself but most importantly I stopped caring about others and helping others when I could.

I loved him with all my heart and I know that he will continue to have a special place within me but I could no longer be that person he wanted me to be.

There were several times we were invited to parties of my friends and what not but he never wanted to go because he didn't know anyone. However, on his side we attended several 15's, weddings, baptisms, birthdays..etc and I hardly knew people but I would never tell him no because I didn't know anyone. That's what couples do but I was happy, or so I thought.

What brought all this to light is that I visited my best friend of 25 years. We have been through ups and downs, laughs and crys, relationships and life. She is my sister at heart. He didn't approve of my visiting her one day after her husband of 11 years left. She needed me at a time like that, she is an only child and we have always been there for each other.

I wish him all the best in what ever he may do and I wish him happiness with whomever he choses to love.

I find that I'm happier these days and I feel free when I call someone just to say Hi! or can visit them and talk over a cup of coffee. A relationship with someone shouldn't make you feel like a prisoner of that person's heart it should make you feel happy in whatever you do and not have to look back and ask 'is it ok'. Maybe living on my own for twenty years has something to do with it but just as I compromised for our relationship he should to. I was taught to put others first but that means he should too and that would mean putting me first rather than himself. Relationships are a give and take but if you take and not give anything in return then your relationship doesn't grow. It stands neutral.

I will continue to put others first however when it comes to a relationship I will make sure they are putting me somewhere at the top with others. :)