2011...Alone......Again

Well, I began this year single again. I'm getting through slowly but surely. At 8:32a.m. rec'd a text message "como has estado?".....ignored it. At 8:42a.m. rec'd a 2nd one "no te puedo preguntar como te va?".....answered this one with the following: No porque asi empieza y luego me quebras mi corazon, es mejor que lo dejamos asi.

His response: "disculpa si te moleste adios"

Well, I tried to ignore it all completely but couldn't so I wrote him the following and finally released everything I've been holding inside since we 'BROKE IT OFF' last October.

no es q me molestas si no q tu sabes q tu y yo no puedemos ser ni amigos xq
a ti no te parece mis amistades ni parte de mi familia. quisiera mas que
nada poder saludarte cuando te veo pero no es posible contigo. yo soy una
persona que me tenta el corazon por otras personas y tengo mis razones xq.
tu no tienes idea todo lo q yo ha sufrido con mis hijos y toda la gente q si
me ayudo en eso años q no tenia carro. hasta un vecino me prestaba su
carro de vez en cuando. no sabes toda mi historia. yo agradezco de muy
adentro y prometi q si yo un dia le pudiera ayudar a alguien lo iba hacer
sin pensarlo pero tu me quitas mucho de eso y tambien por un hombre que no
valio nada quieres q deje de hablar con familia de mis hijos ellos no tiene
la culpa. no es que me interesa esa familia si no que los quiero xq son
familia. familia y amistades son mi vida y algun dia un hombre sera parte
de esa vida tambien. uno que sepa ser agradesido por la vida que tiene y
poder compartirla con familia, amistades, y estranjeros igual. tu ponte en
lugar de uno que es el unico hijo nacido sin hermanas, sin hermanos, sin
papa, sin madre y mas que nada sin amistades y ponte a pensar como te fueras
a sentir.

His Response: En mi vida no te buelvo a molestar ?disculpa ? Ahora si adios fui mui feliz con tigo ok honey adios adios adios

My final:
ni tan feliz xq no me aceptas asi como soy......como quien dice....tu quieres que sea nada mas para ti y yo no le puedo dar la espalda a nadien mucho menos familia. espero que un dia tu mismo te puedes querer lo suficiente para poder dejar tu corazon querer a alguien como se lo merecen...SIN CONDICIONES XQ EL AMOR NO TIENE CONDICIONES. yo te amo sin verguenza como debe de ser y aunque nunca dejastes de tomar sigui de tu lado y tambien todo le que me dijistes en frente tu familia sigui a tu lado.........eso es querer tu te quierias casar fijate que un matrimonio dice amar por lo bien y lo malo, en pobre y ricos......yo lo hice sin casarme contigo te ame en lo bien y lo malo.....pero al fin perdi y acepto por vencida. yo tengo todo lo mejor en mi vida...familia, amistades y mas que nada mi salud. gracias por desearme lo mejor pero lo tengo cumplido ya y la verdad no necesito un hombre para tener lo mejor, necesito un hombre solamente que me acompañia en ese camino tan bonito que Dios me ha puesto en frente de mi. pero a ti si te deseo lo mejor xq tienes tanto rencor por otros que yo la lleve y paque muy caro.

So 2011 here I come.........Single :)

On Hold

Well, I recently broke up with my boyfriend about a month or so ago. Since then I have kept busy and I find that I started doing things again. By that I mean things that I stopped doing to be in a relationship. I don't blame him because he didn't 'make' me stop doing anything but I stopped because I knew that it would make him happy so to say. So basically I put my life on hold for him and that's wrong. I promised I would never do that and I did.

I stopped going dancing (my favorite thing to do second to movies), I stopped washing my truck every weekend (he didn't like doing that), stopped seeing friends, stopped going for drives just because, I stopped caring about myself but most importantly I stopped caring about others and helping others when I could.

I loved him with all my heart and I know that he will continue to have a special place within me but I could no longer be that person he wanted me to be.

There were several times we were invited to parties of my friends and what not but he never wanted to go because he didn't know anyone. However, on his side we attended several 15's, weddings, baptisms, birthdays..etc and I hardly knew people but I would never tell him no because I didn't know anyone. That's what couples do but I was happy, or so I thought.

What brought all this to light is that I visited my best friend of 25 years. We have been through ups and downs, laughs and crys, relationships and life. She is my sister at heart. He didn't approve of my visiting her one day after her husband of 11 years left. She needed me at a time like that, she is an only child and we have always been there for each other.

I wish him all the best in what ever he may do and I wish him happiness with whomever he choses to love.

I find that I'm happier these days and I feel free when I call someone just to say Hi! or can visit them and talk over a cup of coffee. A relationship with someone shouldn't make you feel like a prisoner of that person's heart it should make you feel happy in whatever you do and not have to look back and ask 'is it ok'. Maybe living on my own for twenty years has something to do with it but just as I compromised for our relationship he should to. I was taught to put others first but that means he should too and that would mean putting me first rather than himself. Relationships are a give and take but if you take and not give anything in return then your relationship doesn't grow. It stands neutral.

I will continue to put others first however when it comes to a relationship I will make sure they are putting me somewhere at the top with others. :)

Breaking up was never hard.........til now

Over the years as a single person I have made myself strong and become determined in life. When I left my husband, I returned three times to try and make the relationship work. All three times I left my job, lost my aparment, and lost all my furniture. All three times ended up with the same result - leaving him. So I vowed that I would never fall in love again with anyone. Vica's dad was a bit different, I loved him but I wasn't in love with him so when time came to break up, I was able to let him go and I didn't look back.

Since then I have dated but I have not been involved in a serious relationship since. Til I met Alonso in Dec 2007. He was different and I noticed it right away. I kept telling myself 'this can't be'. We dated and we decided to make it official and I changed in a way I swore I would never change when it came to men. I let go of all my male friends with the exception of one who I worked with on the side and even that one I was letting go of slowly but surely just because I knew it bothered Alonso and also because one day we discussed this issue and we argued over it and I told him that no I would not stop my communication with Martin for him because we were good friends. But after that argument, I stepped back and looked at it from his point of view and made a decision. I would cut ties because I loved Alonso and I know that when you love someone, you change. So I did.

Well, I guess I'm a little late. We broke it off about 3 weeks ago now and it's not due to any of what I just wrote but maybe if he had known everything that I was going thru and doing, he may have acted a bit different towards me to where we wouldn't have broken it off. I'll never know. Do I regret not telling him about my changes? No. I try not to regret things but instead learn from them. I never want a man to know I'm changing because the majority of them will think "yeah I told her to change, it was either this or me". I change because I want to not because someone wants me to. I also do it out of love. When I do things like this, it's because I really truly love someone and made a decision that only I can make. I honestly thought this would be the guy after being single for 18 years but I guess I was wrong again, as usual. I'm sorry momma that it didn't work out, I know you were so happy for me to have finally found someone who 'socialized' with the family.

Yes this breakup has taught me that breaking up is hard to do, but as once before, I will get over this. For now, til I am over it, I'll continue to live as I can. Trying to keep myself busy and not think about him, I try not to listen to the radio either, too many songs that we both liked and tears start to fill my eyes. I think what makes it even harder is that I don't have my mother to see or call and talk to her about it. Hell I can't even get through typing this without crying. LOL I'm glad to see that I'm not as hard as I thought, deep down I do have a very soft side when it come to men, but it takes alot to bring that out in me and Alonso did just that, what no other man has done.

One Year

Well, today is one year that me and Al met. It's been a roller coaster of a year too let me tell you. Now for the friends that I have, they know tha I don't tolerate drunks, none whatsoever.

Well, Al drinks and when I met him he was sober and drinking and after about 4 or 5 beers he didn't seem like he had been drinking, so I figured, ok this guy can hold his alcohol and is doing good. Well, after meeting him and going out to dinners dancing and drinking everytime I started noticing that he seemed to be more on that side of the line than on this side of the line if know what I mean. Well, one night after I got home from a movie, at about 1am he comes knocking on my front door, now this is 2 or 3 months after we had met and decided we would date. So he knocks on the front door, I opened it and saw him and noticed he is drunk. He says "You going to let me in?" I said "NO!", Al: well then shut the door on me. ME: SLAM!

I shut the door on him and he stood there for about 3-4 minutes and then decided to leave. I guess he thought I wouldn't shut the door. LOL He apparently didn't know me very well at the time. He came back the next day, sober of course and he asked why I shut the door and I simply said "because you were drunk and you're not allowed in my house that way"

Well, after that night, he has slowed down his drinking. But about 2 mths after that, we were out with some friends and he decided to drink, I don't mind him drinking what I don't like is that he doesn't control himself and gets stupid at times and just irritates the hell out of me. Anyway, so here we go again he gets drunk and doesn't care what he says and who hears him and just starts to talk stupid. I told him after about 6 -7 beers, ok no more you're past that line we talked about. He says, "Me vale" I just looked at him. OH OK te vale well, then you buddy can find a ride home. He says "nah you won't leave me" Um yes I will and I did! He didn't bother calling me until about 2 days later and it was to apologize and to see if he could come over. I said ok no problem.

Well, he came over, apologized and promised never to get drunk again. Well, he kept his word, partially, on getting drunk. after that day he stopped drinking on a daily basis. Even at times when we're with his family, he won't drink not one beer. He said he prefers to keep me, rather than to lose me over drinking. Good man!

Well, he stills drinks on occasions when the brother-in-laws get together for cookouts and parties, but we don't go much dancing anymore, he doesn't know how to dance. Yes he'll get drunk once in a while but he knows not to bother me with stupidity and that once we get home he has to crash. So far it's been working.

I love him, I love the way he treats me and he's good to my entire family. He loves my daughter, thinks my son Michael is a great kid and is dying to meet Gabriel and my grandson, as I. His entire family has accepted me as well and I feel in place when I'm with him.

Now let's see if I can make it another year. Yes I said I rather than WE. LOL