How do you know?

How do you know when the indicated one comes along in your life? What are the signs. How can you tell if your prayers have been answered or if this is just another obstacle to overcome towards the destination you are being steered towards by the guiding hand of our Lord.

March 2013 - I met Jose and we seem to hit it off pretty good. Me and my good friend Lori were at a local Jaripeo and as usual being ourselves laughing and having a great time. The group of men behind us seemed to enjoy themselves as well and next thing we know we are all having a great time together. 

One particular man stood out from all of them for me and we began our conversation that day.  We exchanged numbers and he would eventually call me day after day until our first "date". one date turned to another and then another.

April 12, 2013 at New West while attending a dance and watching Jaime y Los Chamacos, Jose asked me to have an exclusive relationship with him. Now I honestly was not looking for a relationship with anyone. I just was tired of that game and everything that comes with it.  But I gave in.

We hit it off good for the first few weeks. The it went downhil from there. The biggest problem and actually the only problem is that he does not communicate very well with me and I can't stand that!!

Well, after going back and forth with him, in and out of our relationship. I have come to the conclusion there are worse things he could do to me. I'll accept him...for now haha. Nah seriously........I can overcome that with a lot more patience from my part.

Because in all honesty...........How do you know if this is the one!?

NEW CHAPTER

Well, my baby has finally graduated and I myself feel that I have graduated as well.  I have graduated from single mother to single adult :)

It has been a life that I would gladly repeat. Would I change anything? Well, maybe a thing here and there but nothing major...why? Because I'm me for the very reason of what I have been through and I wouldn't change a thing about me. I love who I am and what I stand for. 

I became a single mother to my son Gabriel when i was 3 mths pregnant with my son Michael. I left their dad because he hit me. No he didn't abuse me becuase I didnt' allow it to get that far. He hit me and that's all it took for me to make a decision for the better. The decision I made I truly believe was the best one because I had one son already and I didn't want him to grow up thinking it's ok to abuse and be abused. I did it for my children. I didn't love their dad any less but I couldn't have lived with someone like that.

Three years down the road I met my baby girl's dad. He never hit me but he was an alcholic, he abused himself. Though we never lived together it was something that I tried to help him with but he apparently didn't want to help himself. In one of his beyond sober days/nights he ended up with his ex-wife and got her pregnant. I didn't find out until the child was already a year old. When I did find out I made the decision to let him live with his "first" family. He didn't want to, he never did prior to that even after I wrote him a three page letter explaining why it would be best to make his "marriage" work. He made the decision to have me in his life and we both made the decision to bring another life into ours. We were blessed with our baby girl. It was a very bumpy ride but with faith I got thru it until the end of our relationship 4 years later.

It was 1990 when I became a full-time single mom to my wonderful son Gabriel, by January 1991 I was a single mother to two gorgeous boys when I gave birth to my handsome son Michael in mid-December 1990. By January 1995 I became a mother to one of the most precious little girl, Victoria. I was beyond happy with my three little ones. I finally had the real life and not make-believe.

I had heard several stories of single mothers saying how hard it was and could never make ends meet. Well, I'm here to tell you that it was not "hard", it was a struggle but not hard. Everything has to be a struggle in my opinion otherwise we would never learn how to function in life and reach goals.

I raised my three as best I knew how with the help of my mother (RIP) and my sister, Daniela. They were always helping out financially (loans :) ) and by babysitting my children and not for free either. I paid them just as I would have anyone else.  I paid for them to watch them while I worked, went out to eat with friends, went to the club, movies. Yep you read right going out.

I went out every weekend BUT not before paying my bills and making sure we had groceries. I felt after working two sometimes 3 jobs i deserved a little "me time" with friends. I love to dance and that was my out every week....dancing!

The one thing I feel I have been blessed with the most is the fact that my children have never given me any grief in my life.  You see I have friends who have children who sneek out of the house, break the law, steal, assault people, drugs, you name they have dealt with it. But my children until now have made me proud by way of keeping to school and becoming young responsible adults. My middle son was defiant at one point when he was about 15 but I think he soon learned the consequences of his actions and straightened up somewhat.

My two sons became fathers at very young ages but they have never waivered from being involved in their child's life. My daughter has witnessed her sister's (dad's first family) become young mothers as well. She has a different outlook on life from what I gather in our conversations regarding adulthood and on becoming a mother herself. 

I truly feel that I was a "responsible" single parent. Now I've graduated from single parent to single adult. Oh the tears have stopped but I still choke up when I see pics of my children when they were younger and still not a care in their world. Now I have to find something to occupy my free time with seeing as I no longer will be room mom, chaperone, volunteer, taxi.

So this is pretty much my life of the past 25 years in a nut shell. I'm hoping to achieve another 25 as an adult and maybe with someone at my side holding my hand along the way. I have Jesus on one side of me already holding my hand. :)

Graduation

My youngest graduates today and begins her journey as a young adult in our world. I am so very proud of her and all of her accomplishments thru out her life though not many but great in my book. Spelling Bee - school first place College Quest Essay - First Place Published Poet - 7th / 8th grade Band Member - French Horn - 6 years Honor Classes - Role Model Solo Ensemble - Rec'd 1's all four years I truly believe that she will go on to accomplish several more victories in her life because I believe in her. You have made me proud!! Love, Mom

The Swing

Today I am saying my final goodbye to my Tio Juan and Tia Ramona. You see my cousin Juanita Gonzales sold the house they grew up in and I use to live across the street, now I live next door and have been for the past 4-5 years. When I was growing up i would visit from time to time, would swing on the front yard swing. But it's during this past 4-5 years that I really made my memories there in their house for I had grown into an adult and could have adult conversations with my Tio y Tia and cousins. I visited many a times with wanting to talk and Juanita and Tia would always lend me an ear. It was something I had never had before "someone to talk to" someone who would never give me negative advice but helped me stay positive. This is something that I especially needed when mom passed away. My Tia and Juanita were there for me thru it all. However no one and nothing helped me more than the swing in their front yard. I became best friends with that swing, you see I would go out late at night and sit and swing til 1, 2 in morning. I would listen to the wind if it were blowing, but mostly talk to the moon and the stars. I would sit and remember my childhood years living right across the street, I could picture me and Alexa and the ABC Triplets playing our in the yard, riding our bikes. This swing let me cry as much as I wanted. Until now no one knew I sat out there so late, unless there was a neighbor creeping that I didn't know about. I would talk to God, pray, sing, I could be myself sitting on that swing and no one to judge or make funny remarks of my singing, no one to make me feel bad. There were several times when I would join my cousin and Tia on that swing just to pass the day in the beautiful weather. We had some tears, laughs and memories together as well on that swing. Today a friend of mine came and took that swing away. It's going to a new home. While they were loading it all my memories came back to me and I lost it. I cried so hard because I feel like another part is dying. I feel I have lost a friend. That swing was the last thing that kept me holding onto my Tia Ramona. I would sit there and talk to her, Tio Juan, Tia Pat, Tio Tino and Mom late at night. I can still do it from my own front porch on my rocker but the swing was big enough to invite someone to sit with me and at times I would feel a slight tug on the swing as if someone's spirit was there just to let me now they were there with me. I've missed my cousin, my God Mother ..... I've missed our talks, our laughs, our tears, watching shows together but I know I can visit her by simply calling her up. Guess I'll have to find another late night spot for my talks with mom and he rest of my aunts and uncles. R.I.P Tio Tino, Tia Pat, Tio Juan, Tia Ramona and momma.

Why am I single?

The question I get asked all the time by people, especially men I meet. Well, maybe it's because the man that deserves me hasn't come along yet, or the man I deserve. I don't know exactly to the pinpoint but i do know that some reason comes from me not wanting just any relationship. A relationship can't be made and much less overnight. It has to grow, you have to nurture it, water it from day to day with honesty, consideration, patience, love, respect and understanding & appreciation from and for each other. First, love yourself. You can't possibly love someone when you can't even love yourself. If you have no self-respect how can you respect someone. Respect the fact that they will love you and treat you as you should be treated. Second, consider yourself when you love someone. Consider the fact that is someone going to love you for what you have or can give them materialistically or are they going to love you for you and only you. Just the way you are. With all your defects and flaws. Then consider them, do they deserve your consideration? your consideration to think enough of them to be your partner in life and walk down the road with you side by side. Third, have patience. Be patient to the fact that one of you may want to move the relationship to the next level and the other isn't quite ready. You don't know the full history of prior relationships that may be the reason to hold back just as you may have a history that cause you to hold back or want to move to the next level. Some people learn from prior relationships and may be the reason why they want to take things a bit slower than others, to make sure they don't make the same mistake twice. And, just because you love someone doesn't mean you know them 100% or they know you. There will always be a dislike, conversation topic, music, movies, etc that you won't agree on 100%. If you decide to live together there will always be something that you do one way and they do another and it may irk you or vice versa. Be patient. Fourth, Understand. Understand that some people do the best they can. Understand your sense of humor my not be exactly alike, your taste in food, movies, music, clothes. Appreciate the fact that each person has their own likes and dislikes in cultures but that doesn't mean they don't appreciate that there are plenty to choose from should they want to try something new. Fifth, be honest and stay honest. First be honest with yourself and you partner. If you really don't love someone don't fool yourself into thinking you do just to lead them on to think you do. Loves grows from within your heart, mind, and soul. When you tend to have a serious conversation look into each other's eyes so that you can be honest to yourself and to them. you both deserve that much. Next, commit. Commit to yourself first so that you can commit to the relationship whole-heartedly. Don't jump in at first glance just because the water looks inviting, take your time and run your toes through the sand walking towards the water, tip toe in. But if you're going to dive in do so with your head first instead of your heart. Last but not least, make sure to let God hold your hand along this journey. He will get you thru. As Tyler Perry said in a play once, you pray and pray for a good man but are blind to the fact that you have to get thru all the bad relationships to prepare you for the good one he has chosen just for you. So I patiently wait and test waters from time to time just in case, I don't want to pass up any angels just to date the devil. :)